A Milestone

Well, today was our 12 week appointment at our RE. (I actually had a mini panic attack last week, so I ended up having an unplanned week 11 visit as well.) And although I have convinced myself numerous times in the past 8 weeks that something must be wrong, all appears to be right on track. It's almost getting to the point that I am like, wow, I might really have a baby in June! Still not complete belief but have definite moments of hope. I am still not telling the masses. I don't feel comfortable talking openly about me actually having a baby. I am afraid if I get too confident, it will be taken away. I know it's silly, and I know that has no bearing on the outcome, but I am just a little gun shy.

So today I said good-bye to my RE Dr K. It was a surreal moment. I have been seeing this man like a two to three times a month since the summer. I didn't know what to say, so I told him, thank you so much for eveything and I hope I never see you again. :-) He laughed and said, i hope not either, but I hope you'll share pictures. Even leaving the office was odd - didn't have to stop at reception to set up my next appointment time, just slipped out like I had never been there.

Tomorrow I call Dr. D's office and tell them I am coming back and see when they want to see me. I am expecting some time in mid January. That will likely be another strange experience - going back there. I love Dr. D and can't wait to share this with her, but I am a little scared too. When I go back there, I become just another pregnant lady among a sea of pregnant women. I will lose my "handle with care" tag. I hope I am ready for that.

On the pregnancy front, still not feeling great. At times, I feel like my digestive track has completely shut down and everything just sits inside me. Not a good feeling. :-( No complaints though - I haven't missed any work yet and I am hopeful that I am just a couple weeks away from feeling much better.

Here are the much coveted 12 week photos.

1/4 of the Way There

Today was my 10 week appointment and exactly two weeks since we had last seen our little bean. I have been feeling pretty bad still, so I was fairly hopeful that things were continuing to progress. With my first miscarriage, when I made it to 9 1/2 weeks, my symptoms greatly subsided prior to finding out we had miscarried. As hoped, everything looked great. Our little guy was super active, flipping around and waving at us. I think giving us a little fist pump so we would know everything is alright. ;-) Heart beat was at 174 - which I thought seemed high, but my doctor assured me that it was great. Today was the first time that the nurse did my ultrasound rather than the doctor. When she walked in the room, I immediately asked if Dr K was there. She nicely said yes, but he's with other patients so I am going to take care of you today. That made me nervous - I wanted the doctor!! She was fine though and I stumped her at the end with some questions so we got to see the doctor anyways.


I asked about when I should stop taking the metformin. He said I could stop now, in his research, it doesn't reduce the risk of miscarriage. I asked him if I should wean off of it and he said, no, i could just stop. Then I asked him if it would be OK if i weaned off it. Stopping a medicine that impacts your hormones cold turkey seems like it could be a shock to the system. I know he is the doctor and all, but I will just feel better with the weaning. He said that was fine.


I asked about when I should stop taking the prometrium (progesterone). He said I could stop now. That one is just one pill a day, so can't really wean yourself off of it. So that one I will stop cold turkey. Maybe in one or two more nights - I am scared to change anything that I am doing! Then he asked if we were ready to go back to my OB. After exchanging glances, my husband and I agreed that we'd rather come back at 12 weeks for one more check. He was great about it and said, whenever I am ready.


So it still hasn't really sunk in - I still feel like I am an imposter for a pregnant woman. I am definitely not shouting it from the rooftops. I have a fairly large group of friends and family who
are intimately aware of our journey, so they all know, but I am definitely not to the point of telling people at work, casual acquaintances, etc. I just feel like if I tell these people, it will be taken away from me again. My general plan is to hold out until after the holidays - I am already starting to look like I ate the entire turkey on Thanksgiving, but hopefully I can continue to disguise it for the next few weeks. Oh yeah, and another really exciting announcement that I have been holding back. I found out right around the time that we were trying to conceive that my sister had gotten pregnant. It is her first as well and is also something of a miracle. We are two weeks apart....I just thing this has to be meant to be!


Here are baby's 10 week photos:
This is a hand (although i think it looks like a foot!)


Here he (ok, or she) is!

May the sickness continue...

Well, the two weeks passed relatively quickly between appointments. My 24/7 nauseua has been a great reassurance that things were progressing as they should. Yep, you heard me correct, I pretty much feel sick ALL of the time. The good news is I never actually throw up, but the bad news is I ALWAYS feel like I could at any time. But let it be known, that I am in no way complaining about this. I told my doctor today that I would much rather feel sick all the time then be worried about the baby. Dr. K insisted on giving me a prescription for an anti-nauseua meds - said they were safe for me and for the baby. I may fill the prescription just to take for special occasions (like maybe on Thanksgiving or when we go out for my birthday tomorrow). We'll see. So the ultrasound looked great, measuring 8 weeks, 1 day and heartbeat at about 159 bpm. It was such an awesome feeling to see (and hear) his little heart beating away on the screen - I just wanted to say, good job baby, hang in there, keep up the good work. I guess I can still tell him. Till I see you again little baby - see you in two weeks - hope you enjoy Thanksgiving!

Utter Relief and Complete Excitement

I am going to be very honest - going into today's appointment, I had pretty much convinced myself that I was no longer pregnant. I really hate that I have been SO negative. I just haven't been able to let myself believe that this time will be different - I am guessing mainly to protect myself from feeling the horrible pain that comes with losing a baby. Although I have to say, emotionally, I have been feeling pretty bad the past week or so and I don't even have a reason to grieve. Ok, I just realized I haven't even gotten into the fantastic details of the appointment. We saw the baby and his flickering little heart beat. He is measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days, about a day ahead - already an over-acheiver! My doctor said everything looks perfect. When he began the ultrasound, and I was bracing myself for "the news," he immediately said, everything looks GREAT. (He must be trained to tell people right away when things are good!) Here is baby's 6 week, 2 day picture. Sorry it is a picture of a picture, next time I will bust out the scanner!

(The baby is the small white blob in the upper left corner where the measurement marks are)



Ok, so that brings us to my new outlook. I made a deal with someone really close to me that if this appointment went well, then I would be more positive going forward. And to be honest, I forgot how great it feels to be happy to be pregnant. I got that little taste of giddiness when I left the doctor today....like hey, yeah, that's right, I am pregnant - and my baby has a heartbeat. I am going to take it one day at a time, but each day, I am going to thank God for his blessing of this pregnancy and enjoy these days bonding with my baby. I felt SO confident about this as I was leaving the doctor that I opted to go along with their standard protocol of seeing me back in two weeks (although my sweet doctor did offer to see me next week if I wanted!). Yep, that's right, me and my baby will be back in 13 days for a little check in and for another photo shoot.


Oh yeah, and if you noticed my gender references, husband and I both are having "it's a boy" intuitions.

Beta 3 and 5 week photo

I went in for my 3rd beta today and to have a follow up ultra-sound for my OHSS. To my surprise, I got to see my little sesame seed! (And to my mother's relief, there's just one little sesame seed!) My beta came back at 2018 which was a good rise from 208 seven days ago. My enlarged ovaries are looking better too - right ovary down from 13 cm to 7 cm. I thought they would be smaller because I have not been feeling as much pressure. Husband wasn't there for baby's first photo (hence my doctor's cute note on the ultrasound) - I told him I had no idea that we would be seeing anything - I thought we were just checking on my ovaries again. I am exactly five weeks along today with a due date of June 29th.

5 week photo - the black bean looking thing in
the upper left of the picture is him!

Work has been crazy stressful lately, and Monday night I woke up in the middle of the night in a somewhat state of panic about all of the work stress that I am under. I am so fearful that the stress will somehow negatively impact the pregnancy, and I know if something happens I will wonder if it was stupid work stress that caused it. So right then and there at 3 am as I lay in bed, I decided that I was going to tell my boss about what was going on (and what had been going on over the last year with the miscarriages - he only knew about my first one). I also asked to work from home for a few days - I can't stop working on my current project because I am really needed, but I do think working from home helps shield me from some of the stress and urgency around the whole project. I was SO happy with the supportive response that I have gotten not just from my direct boss but the entire management chain up to the top. They have told me that I can work from home whenever I feel it's necessary for my physical or emotional health.

So I am back to trying to be positive, but honestly, I am scared to death of all of this ending. Lots of prayers, positive thinking and deep breathing over the next 9 days until I can see my sesame seed again!

Beta 2 and OHSS

This will be quick. I am exhausted. Between my recent demanding work schedule and dealing with my doctor's appointments and new found ailment, it is taking all of the strength I have not to get in bed right now. Had 2nd beta yesterday, HCG went from 92 to 208 in 48 hours, so good rise! I go back on Wednesday for another beta. In the mean time, I have been having horrible stomach bloating, intestinal distress (sorry for the Too Much Information) and nausea. At first I was thinking it was just the beginning of pregnancy sickness, but this morning as I was laying in bed, feeling my abdomen, I realized I felt some really hard spots that weren't normally there. A couple weeks back when I had been complaining about all of the pain that I had around ovulation, one of my commenters mentioned that maybe I had minor OHSS. I had googled it - Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome. Suddenly it clicked, that maybe that's why i was feeling so bad. So I left a message for the nurse this morning and she called me back before lunch. She said it was unlikely that someone who hadn't done IVF would have this, but if I'd like to come in, they would certainly see me. (I did remind her that I had 10 follicles!!) So I went in and sure enough, my ovaries are huge - right ovary measuring about 13 cm (normally 2cm)!! Left was enlarged as well. I also had a small amount of fluid outside of my uterus. Doctor comfirmed moderate OHSS and said there is nothing I can do - unless it gets unbearable and then they could somehow drain some of the fluid. He said it shouldn't get much worse, but likely might not get much better for a couple months. Oh great! It's a really strange ailment - manifests itself in different ways at different times. Seems to get worse in the evenings when my belly becomes bloated and as hard as a rock. I have been feeling my best in the mornings. They will take another look at my ovaries next week when I go in for 3rd beta. Man, never a dull moment....

SHOCKED

I.......AM.......PREGNANT. Just typing the words is crazy to me. The last 48 hours, I was SO sure that I WAS NOT pregnant. Yesterday I felt super premenstrual and just knew for sure that my period was on it's way. This morning I woke up with a dull headache that immediately made me think of PMS. I told my husband this morning before we left for work, so I really think I am not pregnant. I didn't want either of us to have our hopes up. So I went in at 8am for the blood-draw and they promised me a phone call by the end of the day. Luckily, I had a really busy day at work, so I wasn't fretting too much (plus, I had already convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant, so this was just a technicality). The nurse called around 3:30 - I excused myself from the meeting I was in to take the call in the hallway. The nurse started by asking, so you came in this morning for your first HCG qaunt? I was thinking, is this really a question? Yes. Then she said, well, I have a question for you. Yes. Have you taken an at home pregnancy test? At that point, some small spark of hope was ignited, I was thinking, she wouldn't be asking me that if it was negative would she? I answered, nope. She said, well then I have really great news for you, YOU ARE PREGNANT! I was really touched by how genuinely excited she seemed to be for me. After blurting out some words of disbelief, I immediately asked what my level was at. She said, you were at 92 which is really good because we like you to be at 50. Then I asked about next steps. She said I would come back on Wednesday (two days) for another HCG quant. So, there you have it...after this whirlwind month of needles and procedures, we managed to pull this off. I gave my husband big kuddos tonight. I said, do you realize that the every time that they have gotten my meds right and I have ovulated, we have gotten pregnant. Those are such unbelievable odds! I told him he must have some really good stuff. :-) We totally realize that this is only the first step in a marathon that lies ahead for us, but at least we are on the course. And everyday I am going to be thankful for being pregnant and send as much love and good vibes as possible to our new little bean.

Looking towards Monday

Quick post to check in. In less than 48 hours, I'll know if this three ring circus we call fertility treatments worked for us this round. I have gone back and forth on my pessimism / optimism scale. My default is 100% pessimistic, but whenever I feel a twinge, cramp, ache, soreness, or experience some other strange symptom (including several nose bleeds), I'll think, well, maybe there is a chance. I am hoping, praying, wishing that this works. I have lots of mixed emotions on the next step if this month is negative. I'll elaborate if I'm forced to cross that bridge, but to sum it up, I've gotten pregnant twice just the good old fashioned way (with a little clomid and a good every other day schedule), and now because I am seeing an RE for my losses, he is treating me the way he treats his other patients, many of who have a very hard time getting pregnant. I just feel like we are being too agressive and not letting my body do what it's supposed to do. Probably over analyzing, but what else can you possibly do during the two week wait.

Stay tuned to Monday....

Almost half way

I'm almost half way through the two week wait - i think it helps that my wait is not quite two weeks this time. Dr. K scheduled for me to go in next Monday (two weeks from the day of my trigger shot), so technically, we are going to be waiting a little less than two weeks. Ok, let me tell you, I don't know if it was the numerous follicles, or having some of the follicles manually ruptured, but I have had SO much pain and soreness in my ovary / uterus region. Like it was hurting when I did anything, sat down, stood up, went to the bathroom! It has definitely improved (otherwise I was close to going back to the doctor), but I am still not 100%. I started the prometrium suppositories last night. My outlook has been all over the place, middle of the week, i was feeling really pessimistic. Just feeling like there was just way too much medical intervention for it to actually work. However, yesterday and today I have had some mild cramping that has given me a little more hope. And of course, I have the problem of not knowing if I really have symptoms, or if it's from the HCG shot or from the Prometrium. Such a crap shoot! I have a really busy week ahead of me, so I am hoping that the next 8 days will fly by.

A near miss

Well, I returned from my mini-vacation yesterday afternoon rested and relaxed, and ALL of that good mojo went straight down the drain when I got to my ultrasound this morning. First, the office was running way behind, it was about 45 minutes after my appointment time when i was finally seen. Then I made the mistake of trying to make small talk with the nurse doing my ultrasound, you know, ask about her weekend, etc. Well, turns out her dog got hit by a car over the weekend. So my pitiful attempt at small talk led to the nurse telling me an elaborate story and crying. All this time, I am thinking, ok, well, what do you see on the screen? Well, it turns out that apparently the Follistim worked a little too well over the weekend and I had 8 - 9 good sized follicles. So she said that the doctor would have to advise on next steps. I waited for another half hour or so just for a different nurse to come in and tell me that the doctor wanted to do bloodwork and then they'd be able to determine the next steps. On my way out, I ran into the doctor and he brought me into his office and explained that he didn't want me to have a whole football team, so likely options would be to cancel the cycle (i.e. use protection or abstinence for the next week) or do cyst asperation (where they go in and pop some of the cysts so that they won't be able to ovualte). I had no idea they could even do that??! So after two hours at the doctor, I was finally able to head to work. Nurse called around 4:10 and said, the same thing, two options. I was like, i don't want to cancel the cycle if i don't have to, so I guess i vote for the cyst asperation option. She was like, ok, well then you need to come in now for that. So I left work again (i am beginning to feel like getting pregant is a full time job...except I pay them!). Sitting in the waiting room at the doc, i was trying to do some googling on this cyst asperation. I couldn't find much, most of what i read said that if you have too many follicles they just cancel, so i don't know if this is cutting edge or what. So i was getting more and more anxious. Then it didn't help that when the nurse called me back she handed me a waiver to sign - something about uterine peforations and infections. Nice. I asked her, before i signed, do ya'll do alot of these? She said yes, I signed - I am an easy sell apparently. Doctor came in, I asked him the same question, you do alot of these? He said, I don't do alot, but we do them regularly. (whatever that means). He went on to say that he had done one on his wife if that made me feel any better. Ok, so the way this worked (at least in my non-clinical interpretation), is he used the ultrasound wand with some kind of attachment on the side which i believe was where he would insert the needle to pop the cysts. If it sounds painful, it was 100x more painful than it sounds. Likely the most pain I have ever experienced. He popped four cysts, leaving me with two on the left and two to three on the right (not sure what two to three means....two or three?....it's amazing the answers that doctors can get away with on the mere fact that they are doctors!). So he sent me home with a HCG trigger shot (Ovidrel) and instructed me to use it tonight and try Tuesday and Wednesday. Husband is going out of town on Wednesday, so Tuesday will have to be the day for us. Looking back at today in hindsight, I am wondering if I should have just thrown in the towel. I guess only time will tell. I am feeling relieved to be close to the end. We try tomorrow and then I can relax for a couple weeks. (oh yeah, i forgot, the two week wait is when the stress really kicks in) This is SO much fun.

a GOOD 24 hours

Ultrasound today. I guess the 125mg of follistim last night went to work. Whereas yesterday the nurse just said, some small ones on the right, today, she measured three follicles on the right and one on the left. All four are greater than 10mm - and have great potential. They did bloodwork again to test my estrogen and then they will call me today and tell me what dosage to continue the follistim at. I don't really understand how they determine the folllistim doses and actually, I don't even know when I stop doing them.

After my doctor's appointment, I went to our Junior League's Christmas Market - I LOVE those things! I happily bought two babies first Christmas gifts for two of my close friends who have had kiddos in the past year. I then splurged on a baby quilt that is themed to my husband and I's alma matter. It was SO cute - I couldn't resist, and I just have a good feeling that one of these four follicles will be the one!

Quick Update

I went in for an ultrasound yestserday (day 7). She saw a few small follicles on the right side - she didn't say anything about the left, so I am assuming not much going on. She said they wanted to run bloodwork to test my estrogen levels and then based on that, they would determine if we needed to adjust the dosage on my Follistim. They called and said that I should up the dosage to 125mg for the next two days and then come back and see them on Friday. Sounds like a good plan, EXCEPT, husband and I are going on a mini vacation, leaving tonight! I told her and she seemed a little put off - almost like I obviously don't want a baby very much if I can't even come in for my appointments. (I guess I am supposed to give up my life and just sit home and focus on having a baby!) I was waiting for her to tell me that we'd have to cancel the rest of the cycle, but instead she said, ok, well, then we will see you tomorrow. I was like, really, i was just there today and you want me to come back tomorrow. Yes. Ok. Luckily, i was already planning on taking today off to start my vacation early. Oh yeah, and I also had to order more Follistim as I am unsure how much more he is going to have me use over the weekend, and since it gets FedExed to my house, I had to get it today BEFORE we went out of town. There goes another $250! I don't know if I have talked about it yet, but this is my first "paying" cycle as all of my clomid cycles at my OB managed to fly under the radar of insurance and all of my initial stuff on the RE was for Recurring Pregnancy Loss so also covered by the insurance. Well, man oh man, hello bill. With medication and monitoring, I am looking at just over $1000 for this cycle. Sure hope I get pregnant! I can see why people resort to IVF quickly at these fertility prices. If I am going to pay over $1000 for a cycle, why not $15,000 for IVF, higher odds at success I am sure!

I did it!

Well, thanks to a CD tutorial that came with the Follistim, I was able to handle the injecting the medicine into my stomach all by myself. I have to say that all of the build up and anticipation was WAY worse than actually doing it. I kind of had a mini panic attack right before doing it, I was like, how hard to I stick it in, fast, slow, medium speed!? So finally I just did it, kind of at a medium speed and I didn't feel a thing. I was almost like, did it work, but it was clearly inserted into my stomach. So I dispersed the meds and was done! After talking to some of our friends about this, they all agreed that maybe it was better that dear husband was not at home to do the injection - recall the fertility clinic fainting. Another shot tomorrow, and two more doses of Clomid - ultrasound on Wednesday. Stay tuned!

Round Two

Trip to the doctor yesterday didn't tell me much more than I already knew, namely, that I had started my period. Dr. K said he really had no idea, sometimes in trying to get our bodies to do things, it just does things we don't understand. He said the cyst definitely could have thrown things off. Good news alert....my ovaries look "pristine" (his word, not mine). Don't even look Polycystic! Yay Metformin! So we are starting clomid again today, 100 mg day 3 through 7. And adding Follistim 50 mg, on day 5 and 6. On day 7, i will go in for an ultrasound and they will determine if i need to continue on the Follistim or if the two doses was enough. There is a part of me that thinks this is an overkill, the last cycle was a fluke and this time the clomid alone would probably be good, but then there's a bigger part of me that just wants to get pregnant and wants to throw the kitchen sink at it. I have barely googled the Follistim, but I clearly saw, chance of higher order multiples. Eeek. It's funny, before starting this whole TTC journey, I was mortified at the thought of having twins. My life would be over, I thought, I'd have to quit my job and be forced to stay at home. However, two years later, I would welcome twins. As hard as this has been for us, a two for one deal would be perfect. Who knows if we'll ever be able to make it through this again. So, if the Follistim is what Dr. K recommends, then the Follistim it is! Sure, the thought of triplets or more still scares me, but I figure with my track record, the odds for one are low, the odds for three are probably zero! Oh yeah, the Follistim is an injectible medicine and sweet husband will be out of town for the first injection. I may have to recruit a friend to come over and stick me! Stay tuned.....

Well, that was fast...

Well, when I returned home from the gym this morning, I noticed that I had some spotting. I was like, YES! Implantation Spotting, we did it! Well, the spotting quickly turned into a full fledge period through the morning. :-( So now I am confused, frustrated and definitely NOT pregnant. If I go back two weeks from today, that was the day after my baseline ultrasound where they saw nothing but the large cyst on my right ovary. So, unless my cyst decided to ovulated the next day, I am totally perplexed. Good news is this is now DAY 1, so i am going in for another baseline ultrasound tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can at least get a theory from my Doc on what just happened! So, I'll let you know! Never a dull moment!

Two week wait and caffiene

Today is the half way point on my two week wait for my period. If you are wondering why I am not waiting for my "positive pregnancy test result", read my last blog entry...(read, low expectations) Just the same, it's next to impossible for me to not hold out some kind of hope. I mean just the shear fact that I ovulated gets me all amped up. The last two times I have ovulated, I have gotten pregnant (seriously, how crazy is that!?) Before you hate me for it, remember, I have no babies to show for this great track record so far. To date, not really any signs or symptoms to make me think that we pulled this semi miraculous conception off.

Next topic, caffiene. After the last miscarriage, I was back on the caffiene BIG TIME. I was all about the $.49 32 oz Diet Dr Pepper from QuickTrip. Every time I felt frustrated and angry with my bad luck, I would think, well, at least I can drink this awesome, cold, refreshing soda. (yeah, pretty bad consolation prize) So since we have been cleared to start trying again, I have been weaning myself off, half-caf coffee in the morning, only cans of soda instead of buckets, you get the idea. Well, yesterday, I cut the cord completely. Definitely had a wicked headache for most of the day (I guess I hadn't weaned well enough). But luckily today, I was back in business, no headache and no caffiene. Mission accomplished. Until I get the positive pregnancy test, I will definitely still enjoy a soda on occasion, but glad that I have cut my physical dependence.

Ok, seven more days of waiting.

Is this a joke?

Well, today was cycle day 11 and the day that the nurse at my RE's office had scheduled me to come in for my first mid-cycle ultrasound. A quick recap, one week ago, i went in for my baseline ultrasound, they had found a large cyst on my right ovary, but had done bloodwork and it didn't appear to be producing any hormones, so i was cleared to start my clomid 100mg. So i took the clomid on days 4 - 8 which meant my last dose was this past Sunday. On Monday, i had some strange symptoms that i thought seemed ovulatory like, but i thought, it's only day 9, this is just a side effect of the clomid. Last night (tuesday), i was having quite a bit of pressure and discomfort in my abdomen - mostly centered near my right ovary. I even told my sister on the phone last night - "i am sure that when they do my ultrasound, they are going to find that my cyst has gotten even bigger because it is bothering me."

So i show up this morning for my 8am ultrasound and was surprised when Dr K comes in rather than the nurse who did my baseline ultrasound. I kind of think he might have walked into the wrong room (as he was a little disoriented as to what he was seeing me for), but just the same, he recovered and went with it. So he first checked out my lining, then my left side (not seeing anything there), then my right side. That's when he asks me, "now what day of your cycle are you on?" So at that point, i am like, "is my cyst still there? I was having some pains last night and was certain that it was going to have grown." Nope, cyst is gone. And there is no sign of follicles! But there is something in my right ovary that could be the remnants of a busted follicle (i.e. ONE THAT HAS ALREADY OVULATED!) So he says, well, it looks like it's possible that you have already ovulated. I just about fell out of the stirrups (is that even possible?!). Then OF COURSE he asks, have you had intercourse recently? At this point, i want to cry. No, we haven't had intercourse, we have been gearing up for the marathon trying that would typically occur days 12 through 21 of my cycle. I felt like a horrible patient at that point, here i am crying to a fertility doctor and I am not even holding up my end of the bargain - TRYING to get pregnant! So he tells me that we will do blood work to confirm that i ovulated, and that if i had pain last night, it's possible that i ovulated recently and it probably would be worth calling my husband and trying as soon as possible.

So dear husband and I did what we needed to do at our lunch break - so romantic! And Dr. K's office called me this afternoon and told me that my progesterone level was a 6, so i had very likely ovulated and i should just wait for my period or a positive pregnancy test.

So here i am, the evening of day 11 and my cycle is over before it even began. I didn't even have a chance to fret over it. I was pretty distraught leaving the doctor's office this morning, but as the day wore on, i realized, i am thankful that the clomid worked, and this was just yet another reminder that we are not in control. So, check back in T minus 14 days for the arrival of my period or the alternate (which i refuse to type out in that i might somehow jinx myself).

A day of ups and downs

For a day I had been looking forward to for months and months (first day of clomid!), it did not go exactly as planned. A few times I was like, is this really happening. Here's how it played out:

• Hurricane Hermine moves through our region and dumps over a foot of rain in 12 hours and I step in a 4 inch puddle getting to my car to head to the doctor at 8am - my feet were completely soaked until about 3pm
• The ultrasound tech tells me that I have a large cyst on my right ovary - she'll need to check with Dr. K. Doctor says we'll need to check hormone levels to see if the cyst is wreaking any havoc to my reproductive ability. If my hormones are out of whack, we'll have to sit this cycle out (WHAT!!!....NOOOOOOO)
• Finally get a call at 5pm (i was beginning to majorly freak out) that all is good and i can go forward with the clomid.
• See a double rainbow!!! This has to be a good sign!!
• Step on someone's gum outside of Babies R US!! This has to be a BAD sign. ;-( (Of course i was there buying ANOTHER shower gift)
• The lady in the pharmacy drive thru tells me that my insurance only covers clomid if I get advanced approval (are you kidding me? Who has time for advanced approval on this road race....i just got approval from my doc to take it hours ago and i need to get those pills into my bod TODAY! Yes, yes, yes....I will pay for the clomid out of pocket, GIVE IT TO ME BEFORE I JUMP THROUGH THIS DRIVE THRU TUBE AND RIP IT OUT OF YOUR HANDS!!

So maybe in hindsight my day wasn't that dramatic, but let me tell you, as i hobbled there in the parking lot scraping neon yellow gum off of my shoe with a grocery store reward card, i thought, can this get any better!!

Prepartion...

I started my cycle this weekend. Five days of Provera did the trick. Each time I start a round of Provera I am always secretly fearful that it won't work, that I have somehow gotten so broken that I won't be able to even drug induce my period. Thankfully so far that hasn't happened, and my body is cooperating. Of course it's a long weekend, so I have to wait until tomorrow to call my RE's office to get my prescription of clomid (100 mg) filled, this is my first time doing clomid with this doctor, so I am not sure if he's a 3 - 7 kind of guy or a 5 - 9 sort of fella. I did find out that he wants to do a baseline ultrasound this week. I never did these with my OB, just a mid-cycle ultrasound. Not exactly sure why they do the baseline ones...anyone know?

I have been taking the Folgard once a week now. I have also been seeking out anything with extra Vitamin B or Folate. I found some tasty Vitamin Water (0 Calorie) that has 100% RDA of the B vitamins. Based on all of the reading I have done on the MTHFR (on Dr Google and some of my bloggie friends sites), I began to question whether or not I should be doing more than just the Folgard for my new diagnosis - lots out there about using Lovenox, Heparin, Baby Aspirin, etc to help prevent clotting. I plan to ask my RE some additional questions about this when I see him at the ultrasound, but I believe that I will trust whatever his ultimate recommendation is. I really wish all of this were more black and white though, and that there was more conclusive information out there about the link between MTHFR and miscarriages and exactly how to treat it. Hopefully by the time my daughters (notice the positive thinking) are having babies, they will have all of this sorted out.

Oh yeah, I have also begun my caffeine cut back. :-( I already miss my HUGE fountain Diet Dr Peppers. Hard to believe it's almost time to start trying again. If we are successful this month, our due date will be within days of our first baby's due date - kind of weird.

aka MTHFR

Yesterday I went to see my RE for my hysteroscopy and for the results of all of the blood work they did on me and dear husband. First up, the hysteroscopy (camera in the uterus), showed nothing abnormal at all. Uterus looks good - yay! He did take a sample to biopsy to check for infection (I will find out the results next week). He did find something abnormal in my blood work. In the test for Methylenetetrahydrofolate (aka MTHFR ;-) ), I am heterozygous for the C677t mutation. For those of you who haven't studied reproductive endocrinology, it basically means that I have a genetic disorder that prevents my body from absorbing folic acid and vitamin B 6 and B 12 very well. As we all know, folic acid is an important ingredient for growing those babies, and apparently, a vitamin B deficiency can increase your risk of blood clots. Who knew??

So, the plan. I will start taking a prescription strength super vitamin called Folgard that includes super high doses of vitamin B and folic acid, this in addition to my regular prenatal vitamin. I will take one a day now, and switch to two a day once I get pregnant. I am going to kick start another cycle with a round of provera starting tomorrow. We'll do clomid 100 mg, and start prometrium twice a day vaginally after ovulation. And hopefully all of that my friends, will be the magic potion.

I have already started researching foods that are high in folic acid and vitamin B - Mrs. Type A can't just rely on vitamins, going to try to help out with food all I can! I am a little nervous about becoming pregnant and then being sick and not wanting to eat anything - more less broccoli and lentils! But I will cross that bridge when I get there - which I am praying will be sooner rather than later. If all goes well, I could be pregnant in a month or so. I know I am being overly optimistic, but I feel like we just cracked the code and these horrible miscarriages could be a thing of the past. And, at least until something happens to prove to me that we are not out of the woods, I am going to keep rockin' my positive attitude.

Wish me luck!

Dog days of summer

I haven't posted in a while, along with the temperatures outside, I feel like my mission to motherhood is experiencing the dog days of summer. One day after another just keeps ticking off the calendar with no change. I am on day 7 of a Provera induced cycle and I have my hysteroscopy scheduled for Friday afternoon. I am also expecting on Friday that my RE will give me the results of ALL of the other miscarriage testing that they did. When the nurse called to remind me to schedule my hysteroscopy two weeks ago (do people in my situation really forget to schedule these appointments....oh yeah, i forgot i am trying to figure out why i have had two miscarriages in a row!!), sorry, i digress, when she called me, I asked her if any of my other tests results were back. She said that everything that was back looked normal, but she couldn't tell if everything was back and she knew the genetic testing was not back. So I guess that was a pseudo update. I am looking forward to the hysteroscopy and also the ultrasound that they are going to be doing - wondering how those ovaries of mine will be looking after 8 months of metformin now (hoping for reduced signs of PCOS).

On a note unrelated to fertility, but definitely related to my title, our pride and joy, Herbie the beagle, turned three this weekend and in "desperate for children fashion," we threw him a birthday bash. Our friends have to be thinking, Please Lord, give these people some children!! The party was complete with doggie cup cakes and four dog guests (their owners got to come too ;-) )! Picture here - that's me and my excited pooch trying to blow out his candle!

Hopefully this weekend I'll have an exciting post about our next steps!

The dreaded baby shower

Tonight I have a couples baby shower to go to. (husband is out of town, so I am flying solo) There are five couples hosting - three of the five couples are expecting! There may very well be more pregnant people there than not. Doesn't that just sound divine? I have actually avoided going to the last two baby showers that I have been invited to. (I did send Babies R Us gift cards to help me feel less guilty about being a no-show!) I don't really know why - I really do want other people to reproduce and I wouldn't wish my predicament on anyone. Most of my friends know that I have had one miscarriage, some know that I have had two. I guess I feel like that makes me "Debbie Downer" at baby showers. I tell myself that I am doing them a favor by not coming so that they don't have to walk on eggshells when they gush about pregnancy, or complain about swollen ankles and how tired they are!! With this shower, the honoree, specifically told me that she was hoping we'd be able to come, and I don't have any good excuse and I HATE lying, so here I am, sucking it up and going!! The invitation said UNWRAPPED gifts, so this is what I've put together. It's a Hooter Hider (which I bought from babysteals.com for myself during my 2nd pregnancy!), nursing pads, breast milk storage bags, and breast millk test strips (for drinking and nursing!). Yes, I do have a closet full of brand new baby stuff and maternity clothes, either gifts or purchases. It actually feels pretty good to be able to put an item to use - even if it's not for myself. Well, wish me luck!!

How many viles of blood are you taking?!?

Had our appointment with Dr. K, the RE. It was pretty uneventful. They took at least a dozen viles of blood of all different sizes and had to use BOTH of my arms (I guess I ran out of blood in one arm...does that even happen!?). They are running the following tests:

• Anticardiolipin Antibodies IgG, IgM and IgA (Clotting disorder)


• Antiphospholipid Antibodies IgG, IgM and IgA (Clotting disorder)


• Lupus Anticoagulant (Clotting disorder)


• Antithrombin III Activity (Clotting disorder)


• Protein C Activity (Clotting disorder)


• Protein S Activity (Clotting disorder)


• Factor V Leiden (Clotting disorder)


• Homocysteine Level (Clotting disorder)


• Prothrombin (Clotting disorder)


• Karyotype Male / Female (Chromosomal disorder)

Whew....that is quite a mouthful. I googled each of the above and added what is in parenthesis above. I guess i didn't realize how many potential clotting disorders were out there. The only other test Dr. K is going to do is a Hysteroscopy where they insert a thin telescope into my uterus to check it out and make sure it is shaped correctly and all that jazz. We are going to do that in a few weeks, i need to be at the beginning of a cycle. I am going to try to wait out this current "cycle" i am in to see if can get another period on my own. If it doesn't show up in two weeks, I am going to pop the Provera and roll on with the help of medication. The lab results will take about three weeks, so there's no real hurry to do the hysteroscopy.

Excitement of the appointment was dear husband passing out from giving his ONE small vile of blood. This was actually quite scary at the time - I laugh now. He was in a hurry to get back to work and of course Dr K was running about a half hour behind. So dear husband's blood pressure was likely through the roof. He went ahead of me into the lab area of the doc's office (I stayed behind and chatted with Dr K about how I've been "feeling." Dr. K is very into the emotional well being of his patients.) After we finished up, he escorted me to the lab where we found dear husband UNCONSCIOUS!! The nurse looked at me and was like, DOES THIS NORMALLY HAPPEN?!? I wanted to say, yeah, every time I take his blood at home, he does the EXACT same thing! So after a couple scary moments, he came to, doc had him lay down and be monitored for a bit, which of course only exasperated his delay in getting back to work. It was kind of a disaster. I think I'll leave him home for the next appointment. I like to be in a zen state when i visit the RE...he is messing with my zen. ;-)

Breaking News – I am NOT Pregnant!!

Yep, that's right folks, after 13 weeks and a couple days, my HCG is finally at a not pregnant level! Eh, what's a 13 week wait among the infertile!? AGONY!! That's what!

As soon as I got off the phone with my nurse this morning, I was dialing the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) - yep, I have him on speed dial. The nurse there was like, when would be a good day for you to come in - yesterday would have been great I wanted to say. First available appoinment - if i have a conflict at work, I'll just quit. ;-) Only kidding.....sort of. It was my lucky day, they have an opening at 12:45 tomorrow. According to the nurse, I will talk to doctor K again, then we will likely get started with whatever bloodwork they can do. I asked if i needed to bring my husband, she said, it wasn't necessary but if he was able to come they could do his required bloodwork then as well. Just as a reminder, we are doing a full work up of tests related to recurrent pregnancy loss. After my appointment tomorrow, I will provide ya'll with some more details of what tests I am doing when and for what.

Right now I am in a little bit of shock to be getting started this quickly - I was expecting the RE to tell me that I had to be at the start of a new cycle to do all of the testing because I vaguely remember him alludint to that at our initial consult. Maybe that was just for a certain test? Either way, I am ready to rock and roll - I feel like I have been stuck in neutral for the past three months and Mrs. Type A HATES neutral. It is so counterintuitive to every instinct I have. If you have a problem, you fix it, you don't sit around and think about fixing it, or talk about fixing it, or plan how you are going to fix it - you just fix it. And I am ready to BE FIXED!!

Operation "have a baby" is back on!

The calendar in my head...

Well, i got my HCG quant back yesterday, i went from 75 to 23 in 13 days. So, another two week wait for my next round of bloodwork. (Ahhh, got to love those two week waits!!) Am I being foolishly optimistic to think that on July 29th this miscarriage might finally be in the record books? Guess we'll have to wait to find out. In the mean time, i did appear to get what seems to be a period. I know my track record far too well to just assume that bleeding means a period as it would for 99% of the rest of the female population. Maybe i am still miscarrying....maybe this is just the "bottom falling out" non-ovulation bleeding...or maybe, just maybe my body is acting like a normal 29 year old woman and i am having a reproductive cycle (GASP!).

Ok, now on to the calendar in my head. I am sure alot of you have experienced this. How you have the unnatural ability to quickly add up the time until your next treatment cycle, the length of treatment and then that hopeful 9 months and quickly spit out when your miracle baby would be born. And how when your friend, holding her 4 month old in her arms says, I'm certain ya'll will be pregnant again real soon, you immediately go to the math and think:

• Still miscarrying.....at least 4 more weeks
• Have to wait for period....4 more weeks
• Miscarriage testing...4 - 8 more weeks
• Clomid cycle...4 more weeks
• Pregnancy....9 months

And then you fight back the urge to say, yeah, hoepfully a baby just in time for your little ones 2nd birthday! Instead, you just smile and nod. :-)

On this particular day, I am feeling optimistic about the future. I know we are going to have a baby - hopefully a couple. I just have to wait my turn I guess.

Going for a Guinness World Record...

Well, nurse called....HCG at 75. In two weeks, I only dropped from 175 to 75. I am on 10 weeks of knowing about the miscarriage - it actually happened a couple weeks before that. Ok, so I googled "longest miscarriage ever"....and i got back the response from google, did you mean "longest marriage ever"? NO, I didn't mean that, who would care about the longest marriage ever!! When i finally got my intended results, i found nothing....all of the sites and blogs out there talk about a couple weeks up to maybe 6 on the long end. No one mentions 3 months. And my nurse is not helpful at all, everytime she gives me my result and I groan and ask, is this normal, she gives me her party line of, "everyone is different, there really is no set time that it takes."



I saw a story on the news yesterday about a 66 year old Indian woman who gave birth to triplets through the use of IVF....that is going to be me...I will probably be 65 when my HCG returns to normal. Bhateri Devi watch out....you ain't got nothin' on me!!

Naive college student and a well-meaning traveller...

Have been out of the blogging world for several days. I went to a sorority convention in sunny Florida. At least they said it was sunny there, our days were so jam packed full of programming that I never actually saw the sun. In case you are wondering why the heck a 29 year old professional would be spending 5 days at a convention like this (trust me, there were a few times during the weekend that I was wondering the EXACT same thing)...I am the Financial Advisor for the local chapter of my college sorority. Or as they reminded me at the convention, it's not that I WAS a greek letter greek letter, I AM a greek letter greek letter. OK, glad we got that straightened out.

It's amazing how this infertility / miscarriage crap is interfering with my ability to have normal thoughts. Two examples:

1) I was sitting next to a college student who I didn't know during one of the sessions. She was talking to the girls on the other side of her about how her birthday fell on Christmas Eve and how her parents always made it special for her even thought it was so close to Christmas. Then out of no where she said, well, when i have kids, christmas and christmas eve will be about them, blah, blah, blah. I was really tempted to tap her on the shoulder and let her know that she might not want to be so confident in her ability to have kids...and that there are all kinds of things out there like PCOS and un-diagnosable recurrent miscarriage that she could end up dealing with!!! GASP....can you believe i thought that!? I couldn't. Of course, i didn't say any such thing to her, Mrs. Type A is not that far off the handle yet. But it sure made me think back to all of those times when i was "younger" and would just casually toss around the ol' "when we have kids" line. Any time I allude to the future now, I am careful not to jinx myself further...i always add in a cautious qualifier like, "hopefully if we are fortunate enough to start our family..."

2) Ok, second example is shorter - Flying back home at an Un-Godly hour this morning, i did a good job of putting on my iPod and discouraging any potential chatty Kathys or Kevins who might be sitting on either side of me. At the end of my flight though (please power down all electronic devices), the guy next to me who appeared to be about my age, struck up a conversation. It started off about work, jobs and travelling, but ended up about his FOUR kids at home, ages 9, 7, 4 and 9 months. My first reaction was, WOW, you look too young to have four kids, but my immediate second reaction was like, WELL, AREN'T YOU LUCKY!! Just reproducing at will!! Again, Mrs Type A didn't share either of these thoughts with Mr. Fertile, but it left me thinking.....WHAT is wrong with me??! Snap out of it. This Negative Nancy attitude isn't going to get me anywhere. And the funny thing is, i am VERY hopeful for the future. I believe very strongly that we will have a baby. But I am so frustrated by the time and energy (mainly TIME) it is taking! Again, i have gone through life pretty much getting everything i set my mind to, whether it was through hard work, perseverance or fabulous parents and in-laws - I don't want for much. Except for the one thing that no one (except for God) can give us.

Darn it.

Check back Friday for HCG numbers - i will be almost to 10 weeks of miscarrying.

Countdown continues...

HCG check in - 175. Nurse said I should wait two weeks until I go back in. I am crossing my fingers for a miracle that the next time it's checked it will be below the magic number of 5. I am a little discouraged that this is still phase 1 of the multi-phase process that lies ahead for us (Phase 1 - miscarry, Phase 2 - get all kind of tests for causes of recurrent miscarriage, Phase 2b - fix the miscarriage problem (if necessary) Phase 3 - try again, Phase 4 - get pregnant, Phase 5 (the most important phase) - STAY PREGNANT!!) Whew - thinking about it like that kind of stresses me out! I better keep focusing just on the next step, HCG below 5, HCG below 5, HCG below 5. Fingers crossed!! Luckily, summer is a busy time so there's not much time to sit around and fret - Mrs. Type A has a million other things to occupy her mind!!

7 weeks and counting...

This headline would be great if i were pregnant, really pregnant - not just "chemically" pregnant. Instead I am counting the weeks of my miscarriage. It appears I have a third curse aside from infertility and recurrent miscarriages - I have insanely long miscarriages. HCG quant from this week was at 450. This was down from 2700 two and a half weeks earlier. I have done tons of googling on this (of course) and haven't found any good reason why it could be taking so long (not even any bunk made up theories - i will cling to anything!)

I did have a revelation this week (pointed out by someone close to me a few months back) - nothing in life has ever been hard for me, so maybe this is my thing, this is my cross to bear?? And honestly, looking at it in the big picture and all of the other things that other people sometimes have to deal with: illness, loss of loved ones, infidelity of spouses, unemployment, etc, I really can't complain too long or loud. There are lots of ways to start a family, including the "a" word - can't bring myself to say it out loud yet, but it is always an option. My situation is something that can be overcome with other means. If I had to deal with some of those other strifes in life, I'd be out of luck, no magic fix it, would just have to cope. All in all, I am a lucky girl with a great family, wonderful husband and the world's greatest dog (seen sunbathing with his favorite duck here)!!

Swimming...and life lessons

I wasn't a kid that was on the swim team when i was little. I could swim but never very gracefully and surely never very fast. Recently, I was invited by two friends to join them twice a week for 5:30 AM swims. I am already programmed to work out at 5:15 so the time didn't scare me off, it was the actual swimming. I can muster a slow breast stroke and a crooked back stroke (watch out in the lane next to me!), but that's about it. I sink when i try the butterfly and i choke when i attempt free style. So surely joining two fairly experienced swimmers would bring me nothing but embarrassment. But, given my recent state of somewhat mental instability, I decided that maybe tackling something new would give me a sense of accomplishment and peace. Here goes nothing...

Day 1 in the pool was rough....i didn't have a sporty one piece bathing suit like my swimming partners, and i didn't have a swim cap....note to self, buy both of these items ASAP!! At least i had the foresight to buy some goggles from Target the night before and I did wear my two piece with the MOST coverage. hehe! Aside from that, i struggled with my strokes and felt all-around unathletic. But I knew I couldn't give up.

Day 2 in the pool was much better...black speedo bathing suit and black swim cap from Academey and I was ready to go...call me michael phelps! One of my swim partners had given me a few breathing tips on Day 1 and I worked on incorporating them. As the laps accumulated, i found myself getting into a rhythm, i found that if i swam a very slow free style, I could pace my breath and stroke to come more naturally. I suddenly felt myself transform from an unathletic kid who was never on the swim team to a strong 29 year old who found peace in the methodical rhythm of stroke and breathing.

I have found my time in the pool allows me to feel strong and in control. I may not be pregnant or have a baby yet...but I am growing in other ways, reminding myself that there is more to life than reproducing - which lately has been something that has been rather hard for me to remember.

"Every Miscarriage Is Different" line

So I called my nurse today to triple check that it is OK that I am still bleeding after 30 days. Before you gasp in horror, it hasn't been heavy bleeding all of that time, maybe only two weeks of period type bleeding, rest of the time has been various intensities of spotting. In some cases, it will stop for 24 to 36 hours only to return. I got the line that I can now recite in my sleep, "Every miscarriage is different and as long as you aren't filling up an overnight pad in less than an hour or passing clots the size of your fist, you are probably alright"....yeah, pretty sure if i were passing clots the size of my fist I would be in your office...not waiting for the call back on that one. So I will continue to wait...HCG beta follow up testing next week.

Double "Blessing"

Some of my friends deal with infertility, some of them have overcome a miscarriage, but it is a special few who of us who are "lucky" enough to deal with both. I have always been taught that you are never given more than you can handle in life, but the past 19 months have left me to wonder. I set my mind to overcoming my infertility caused by my PCOS, and after twelve months, I did.

With my second try on Clomid (100 mg), I got pregnant and was back in the drivers seat. (Big sigh of relief - one year of being out of control for Mrs. Type A drove me almost to my breaking point...or so I thought). 8 week ultrasound revealed we were on track to a healthy pregnancy - after hearing the heart beat, my doc said less than 5% chance for loss. Ha, loss I thought, I could never lose something that I had worked so hard for. 12 week visit changed all of that. We discovered that we had lost the baby around 9 1/2 weeks. Needless to say, we were shocked and devastated. I allowed myself to be really sad for a few days, then I picked myself up and refocused on the future...we had another baby to make. It was that goal that kept me moving everyday. Of course, the weeks seemed to crawl by as we waited for my hormones to return to normal and to get the all clear to begin Clomid again.

Three full months later, we were back on the Clomid (50mg). Pregnancy test on day 28 of my cycle was negative, I wrote it off and cursed my doc for making me start on the 50mg even though it had not worked the first time. A persistent nurse at my OBs office insisted I do bloodwork before starting the next cycle. Not wanting to upset the gate keeper to my doc, I agreed and on day 30, had a HCG quant. It came back at 6, for those of you who are not insanely familiar with female reproductive hormone levels as I am, on a typical home pregnancy test, you have to be at a 50 to get a positive. My doctor wasn't even sure what to make of it....maybe a chemical pregnancy, maybe residual HCG from my prior pregnancy or maybe, just maybe, really early in the pregnancy. A repeat blood test two days later would crack the code. So, I went along with the chirade....frustrated at the days we were wasting in not moving forward with the next cycle. Day 32 bloodwork, HCG went to 28...again, in case you are not familiar, this is VERY GOOD - HCG should double every two days or so. Mine had more than doubled - twins, I thought in my ecstatic state of disbelief. But after that first ecstatic weekend, I sensed that something wasn't quite right...I prayed that it was my paranoia from our first loss. I insisted my doc repeat the HCG quant a week later...all looked good. Maybe I was just being paranoid. After what seemed like an eternity, 8 week visit finally arrived. My hunch proved accurate, the ultrasound tech pointed out my uterus and the gestational sac....but we didn't hear anything...I finally asked, no heartbeat?? No heartbeat. No embryo developed, it was what they call a "blighted ovum"... Here we go again.

The grieving process was WAY different for me this time - I wasn't sad, I was mad. What had I done to bring all of this on to me!? And to add insult to injury, it seemed everytime I turned around someone else was announcing their impending pregnancy. My OB recommended a fertility specialist, at first I was reluctant, maybe I thought if I saw a specialist I was acknowledging that this was more than bad luck, that there really was a problem. After talking to my husband (who was taking this all harder than I was), we decided to see the new doctor. We were so impressed with the specialist, he spent over 45 minutes with us, getting to know us and explaining all of the possible reasons for pregnancy loss and potential diagnostic testing and treatment for each of them. The wildcard was the fact that about 50% of the time there is no indentifiable cause for the loss, so we could do all of this testing, find nothing and continue to have miscarriages....ahhh, how hopeful.

We are eager to move forward with the testing, but of course, another reminder that we are not in control, we have to wait for my pregnancy hormones to return to normal. We are on week five of the wait, last HCG check was around 2,000....again, shooting for 5!! So the days crawl by, as I try to distract myself from the gigantic elephant in the room...my ability to NOT have a baby. I am scheduled for bloodwork in another week, fingers crossed for a major drop. Why do I feel like I have spent the last 20 months in quest for two things and two things only, trying to get pregnant, and trying to get "un" pregnant...ironic, huh.