Naive college student and a well-meaning traveller...

Have been out of the blogging world for several days. I went to a sorority convention in sunny Florida. At least they said it was sunny there, our days were so jam packed full of programming that I never actually saw the sun. In case you are wondering why the heck a 29 year old professional would be spending 5 days at a convention like this (trust me, there were a few times during the weekend that I was wondering the EXACT same thing)...I am the Financial Advisor for the local chapter of my college sorority. Or as they reminded me at the convention, it's not that I WAS a greek letter greek letter, I AM a greek letter greek letter. OK, glad we got that straightened out.

It's amazing how this infertility / miscarriage crap is interfering with my ability to have normal thoughts. Two examples:

1) I was sitting next to a college student who I didn't know during one of the sessions. She was talking to the girls on the other side of her about how her birthday fell on Christmas Eve and how her parents always made it special for her even thought it was so close to Christmas. Then out of no where she said, well, when i have kids, christmas and christmas eve will be about them, blah, blah, blah. I was really tempted to tap her on the shoulder and let her know that she might not want to be so confident in her ability to have kids...and that there are all kinds of things out there like PCOS and un-diagnosable recurrent miscarriage that she could end up dealing with!!! GASP....can you believe i thought that!? I couldn't. Of course, i didn't say any such thing to her, Mrs. Type A is not that far off the handle yet. But it sure made me think back to all of those times when i was "younger" and would just casually toss around the ol' "when we have kids" line. Any time I allude to the future now, I am careful not to jinx myself further...i always add in a cautious qualifier like, "hopefully if we are fortunate enough to start our family..."

2) Ok, second example is shorter - Flying back home at an Un-Godly hour this morning, i did a good job of putting on my iPod and discouraging any potential chatty Kathys or Kevins who might be sitting on either side of me. At the end of my flight though (please power down all electronic devices), the guy next to me who appeared to be about my age, struck up a conversation. It started off about work, jobs and travelling, but ended up about his FOUR kids at home, ages 9, 7, 4 and 9 months. My first reaction was, WOW, you look too young to have four kids, but my immediate second reaction was like, WELL, AREN'T YOU LUCKY!! Just reproducing at will!! Again, Mrs Type A didn't share either of these thoughts with Mr. Fertile, but it left me thinking.....WHAT is wrong with me??! Snap out of it. This Negative Nancy attitude isn't going to get me anywhere. And the funny thing is, i am VERY hopeful for the future. I believe very strongly that we will have a baby. But I am so frustrated by the time and energy (mainly TIME) it is taking! Again, i have gone through life pretty much getting everything i set my mind to, whether it was through hard work, perseverance or fabulous parents and in-laws - I don't want for much. Except for the one thing that no one (except for God) can give us.

Darn it.

Check back Friday for HCG numbers - i will be almost to 10 weeks of miscarrying.

Countdown continues...

HCG check in - 175. Nurse said I should wait two weeks until I go back in. I am crossing my fingers for a miracle that the next time it's checked it will be below the magic number of 5. I am a little discouraged that this is still phase 1 of the multi-phase process that lies ahead for us (Phase 1 - miscarry, Phase 2 - get all kind of tests for causes of recurrent miscarriage, Phase 2b - fix the miscarriage problem (if necessary) Phase 3 - try again, Phase 4 - get pregnant, Phase 5 (the most important phase) - STAY PREGNANT!!) Whew - thinking about it like that kind of stresses me out! I better keep focusing just on the next step, HCG below 5, HCG below 5, HCG below 5. Fingers crossed!! Luckily, summer is a busy time so there's not much time to sit around and fret - Mrs. Type A has a million other things to occupy her mind!!

7 weeks and counting...

This headline would be great if i were pregnant, really pregnant - not just "chemically" pregnant. Instead I am counting the weeks of my miscarriage. It appears I have a third curse aside from infertility and recurrent miscarriages - I have insanely long miscarriages. HCG quant from this week was at 450. This was down from 2700 two and a half weeks earlier. I have done tons of googling on this (of course) and haven't found any good reason why it could be taking so long (not even any bunk made up theories - i will cling to anything!)

I did have a revelation this week (pointed out by someone close to me a few months back) - nothing in life has ever been hard for me, so maybe this is my thing, this is my cross to bear?? And honestly, looking at it in the big picture and all of the other things that other people sometimes have to deal with: illness, loss of loved ones, infidelity of spouses, unemployment, etc, I really can't complain too long or loud. There are lots of ways to start a family, including the "a" word - can't bring myself to say it out loud yet, but it is always an option. My situation is something that can be overcome with other means. If I had to deal with some of those other strifes in life, I'd be out of luck, no magic fix it, would just have to cope. All in all, I am a lucky girl with a great family, wonderful husband and the world's greatest dog (seen sunbathing with his favorite duck here)!!

Swimming...and life lessons

I wasn't a kid that was on the swim team when i was little. I could swim but never very gracefully and surely never very fast. Recently, I was invited by two friends to join them twice a week for 5:30 AM swims. I am already programmed to work out at 5:15 so the time didn't scare me off, it was the actual swimming. I can muster a slow breast stroke and a crooked back stroke (watch out in the lane next to me!), but that's about it. I sink when i try the butterfly and i choke when i attempt free style. So surely joining two fairly experienced swimmers would bring me nothing but embarrassment. But, given my recent state of somewhat mental instability, I decided that maybe tackling something new would give me a sense of accomplishment and peace. Here goes nothing...

Day 1 in the pool was rough....i didn't have a sporty one piece bathing suit like my swimming partners, and i didn't have a swim cap....note to self, buy both of these items ASAP!! At least i had the foresight to buy some goggles from Target the night before and I did wear my two piece with the MOST coverage. hehe! Aside from that, i struggled with my strokes and felt all-around unathletic. But I knew I couldn't give up.

Day 2 in the pool was much better...black speedo bathing suit and black swim cap from Academey and I was ready to go...call me michael phelps! One of my swim partners had given me a few breathing tips on Day 1 and I worked on incorporating them. As the laps accumulated, i found myself getting into a rhythm, i found that if i swam a very slow free style, I could pace my breath and stroke to come more naturally. I suddenly felt myself transform from an unathletic kid who was never on the swim team to a strong 29 year old who found peace in the methodical rhythm of stroke and breathing.

I have found my time in the pool allows me to feel strong and in control. I may not be pregnant or have a baby yet...but I am growing in other ways, reminding myself that there is more to life than reproducing - which lately has been something that has been rather hard for me to remember.

"Every Miscarriage Is Different" line

So I called my nurse today to triple check that it is OK that I am still bleeding after 30 days. Before you gasp in horror, it hasn't been heavy bleeding all of that time, maybe only two weeks of period type bleeding, rest of the time has been various intensities of spotting. In some cases, it will stop for 24 to 36 hours only to return. I got the line that I can now recite in my sleep, "Every miscarriage is different and as long as you aren't filling up an overnight pad in less than an hour or passing clots the size of your fist, you are probably alright"....yeah, pretty sure if i were passing clots the size of my fist I would be in your office...not waiting for the call back on that one. So I will continue to wait...HCG beta follow up testing next week.