Have been out of the blogging world for several days. I went to a sorority convention in sunny Florida. At least they said it was sunny there, our days were so jam packed full of programming that I never actually saw the sun. In case you are wondering why the heck a 29 year old professional would be spending 5 days at a convention like this (trust me, there were a few times during the weekend that I was wondering the EXACT same thing)...I am the Financial Advisor for the local chapter of my college sorority. Or as they reminded me at the convention, it's not that I WAS a greek letter greek letter, I AM a greek letter greek letter. OK, glad we got that straightened out.
It's amazing how this infertility / miscarriage crap is interfering with my ability to have normal thoughts. Two examples:
1) I was sitting next to a college student who I didn't know during one of the sessions. She was talking to the girls on the other side of her about how her birthday fell on Christmas Eve and how her parents always made it special for her even thought it was so close to Christmas. Then out of no where she said, well, when i have kids, christmas and christmas eve will be about them, blah, blah, blah. I was really tempted to tap her on the shoulder and let her know that she might not want to be so confident in her ability to have kids...and that there are all kinds of things out there like PCOS and un-diagnosable recurrent miscarriage that she could end up dealing with!!! GASP....can you believe i thought that!? I couldn't. Of course, i didn't say any such thing to her, Mrs. Type A is not that far off the handle yet. But it sure made me think back to all of those times when i was "younger" and would just casually toss around the ol' "when we have kids" line. Any time I allude to the future now, I am careful not to jinx myself further...i always add in a cautious qualifier like, "hopefully if we are fortunate enough to start our family..."
2) Ok, second example is shorter - Flying back home at an Un-Godly hour this morning, i did a good job of putting on my iPod and discouraging any potential chatty Kathys or Kevins who might be sitting on either side of me. At the end of my flight though (please power down all electronic devices), the guy next to me who appeared to be about my age, struck up a conversation. It started off about work, jobs and travelling, but ended up about his FOUR kids at home, ages 9, 7, 4 and 9 months. My first reaction was, WOW, you look too young to have four kids, but my immediate second reaction was like, WELL, AREN'T YOU LUCKY!! Just reproducing at will!! Again, Mrs Type A didn't share either of these thoughts with Mr. Fertile, but it left me thinking.....WHAT is wrong with me??! Snap out of it. This Negative Nancy attitude isn't going to get me anywhere. And the funny thing is, i am VERY hopeful for the future. I believe very strongly that we will have a baby. But I am so frustrated by the time and energy (mainly TIME) it is taking! Again, i have gone through life pretty much getting everything i set my mind to, whether it was through hard work, perseverance or fabulous parents and in-laws - I don't want for much. Except for the one thing that no one (except for God) can give us.
Darn it.
Check back Friday for HCG numbers - i will be almost to 10 weeks of miscarrying.
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